Tomorrow I have my yearly check-in with Heart and Wellness

I don’t want to go.

Avoiding it will help me, right?  I can then lose some more weight and then I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed that I have gained some weight back and continue feeling awful about it, right?

I had to fight the urge to reschedule the appointment for that exact reason.  I’m so afraid that they’ll be disappointed it me.  That I’ll be a failure.  So if I don’t go, that won’t happen, right?

That is the irrational part of my brain speaking.  The part that thinks that it’s about them, not me.

The part that thinks that going there will only hurt, not help.

I am hurting.  It makes me so sick that I just haven’t been able to do this and even worse that I’m starting to gain weight.

The surgery has done it’s job.  My stomach is smaller and I can’t eat as much as I could before.

The head issues though, I’m just not as far along as I thought I would be.

Why do I want to eat so much?

Last night, I was fasting as of 7 PM for my blood work.  My doctor likes a 14 hour fast (I had his blood work as well as Heart and Wellness’s).

The second I had to fast, all I wanted to do was eat.  Night eating continues to be an issue for me.  I was white knuckling it all night.

Why is food so important?  What is it about?  Why can’t I just stop eating?  Why am I so afraid to succeed?

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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