I’ve been in a total funk lately

Even doing this blog entry, I’m holding back tears.

I’ve been doing what I normally do when there is something going on in my life.  I don’t focus on myself, I focus on fixing everything else.  When that is done and I come back to myself, I go into a funk.

I beat myself up and I start to feel hopeless.

I discussed with my therapist yesterday and she wants met to up my anti-depressant.  I called my prescriber this morning.

I knew surgery wouldn’t change my head, but I guess I still hoped it would.

My hope was “fake it until you make it” and surgery would help force that change.

The good about having the surgery is I can’t eat myself into oblivion anymore.  I did gain back a little, but not much and it’s a SLOW gain.

I just hoped I would be further along by now.  I can’t seem to appreciate my accomplishments right now.

I need to write more.  I know that.  When I’m not writing, I’m avoiding taking care of me and feeling my feelings and that is not a good thing.  I need to hit this head on and get back going.

I know that one thing that is getting to me is my sister’s wedding.  I’m part of the wedding party and I need to get a dress.

Even if I did lose more weight, I still would have been the biggest person (considering my sisters are both size 2), but it just sucks.  I don’t want to deal with it.

I’m even having to force myself to get to the gym and that is unusual for me.

Hopefully a medication change will help in the long run.


About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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