Even doing this blog entry, I’m holding back tears.
I’ve been doing what I normally do when there is something going on in my life. I don’t focus on myself, I focus on fixing everything else. When that is done and I come back to myself, I go into a funk.
I beat myself up and I start to feel hopeless.
I discussed with my therapist yesterday and she wants met to up my anti-depressant. I called my prescriber this morning.
I knew surgery wouldn’t change my head, but I guess I still hoped it would.
My hope was “fake it until you make it” and surgery would help force that change.
The good about having the surgery is I can’t eat myself into oblivion anymore. I did gain back a little, but not much and it’s a SLOW gain.
I just hoped I would be further along by now. I can’t seem to appreciate my accomplishments right now.
I need to write more. I know that. When I’m not writing, I’m avoiding taking care of me and feeling my feelings and that is not a good thing. I need to hit this head on and get back going.
I know that one thing that is getting to me is my sister’s wedding. I’m part of the wedding party and I need to get a dress.
Even if I did lose more weight, I still would have been the biggest person (considering my sisters are both size 2), but it just sucks. I don’t want to deal with it.
I’m even having to force myself to get to the gym and that is unusual for me.
Hopefully a medication change will help in the long run.