When I was a little girl, I used to dream about what I would wish for if I was granted 3 wishes

The first wish was always to be at a “normal” weight.  To be skinny.  To not have to worry about food and eat whatever and stay skinny.

I’ve always been envious/jealous of those who can wear anything and shop in any store.  People who can tuck in their shirts because they aren’t hiding their belly.

I take part in an online weight loss forum for those who have more than 100 lbs to lose.  Over the years posting there, I’ve had some fun and met a lot of good people.  It’s a great place to be off topic and get distracted from eating and also to talk about serious issues.

This afternoon ended up being one of those more serious days and it has provoked a lot of thought in me (and I suspect in a lot of others).

If people “normal”, skinny, whatever you want to call it, has always been my deepest wish, then why do I overeat?

I’ve been the “fat” girl for so long (since I was 10 years old), am I afraid not to be the “fat” girl.

Who am I if I’m not “fat”?

I posted:

Title: Is being fat part of your identity?

This is one that we’ve dealt with a lot in therapy.

I self sabotage a lot. Especially when I get to a major milestone.

I self sabotaged at 50lbs lost and now I haven’t made it to 100lbs lost (but I’ve been close since the summer).

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be at a healthy weight. I’ve had weight issues since I was 10. Who will I be if I’m not the fat friend/family member? 

There were a lot of great responses and some follow up posts.  One of my favorite responses contained this quote:

But that fat isn’t protecting me – it’s slowly killing me – so I have to let it go.

I want to keep that as my mantra.  It’s such a great statement for me.  It just speaks to me in a way that others things haven’t in the past.

What am I protecting myself from?

Then someone else posted a question asking if there really has to be a reason for overeating.  Can’t someone just love food that much?

My response:

I think there is a reason why some of us are in conflict with ourselves about what we truly want in life.

When I was younger, I used to think that if I had had three wishes from a genie, they would be:

1. Be at a normal weight
2. Have long, thick hair
3. Have tons of money

My #1 envy has always been people who can shop anywhere, who could run without becomming winded, who were considered hot and people wanted to date.

So if that is my #1 envy/wish, why is food so important to me and why do I self sabotage every time I get to a milestone or when people start noticing my weight loss and telling me I look good? 

Why am I always in conflict?  Why am I always fighting myself?

When I had my first surgery and got close to 50lbs lost, I definitely self sabotaged.  I had never made it to 50lbs lost before and as soon as I got close and that huge milestone was right in front of me, I started rebelling and sabotaging.

I’m going through a similar thing now.  I made it to 90lbs lost and now that big milestone, 100lbs lost has been just out of reach since the summer!  Until I got there, I was losing regularly.  Since then I’ve been yo-yo-ing.

Why is this so scary for me?  Why do I want to cry even thinking about this and dealing with this?

I think part of my problem is avoiding these feelings.  Instead of dealing with these feelings, just put food in my mouth.

I want to eat when I’m sad, upset, hurt, frustrated, angry, happy, overjoyed, etc.

My son’s Hebrew school teacher pissed me off on Saturday morning.  In the synagogue lobby, there is always coffee and pastries.  What is the first thing that I did the second that she pissed me off?  I shoved a couple of bites of pastries in my mouth before I could even think about it.

Did that really make anything better.

Adding onto my goal of not mindlessly eating at night (or really anytime) is going to have to be dealing with the feelings that make me want to eat and self-sabotage.

Advertisements

About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s