It has been weird to be making so many big decisions without having my therapist invovled.
I had to cancel my last appointment with her so I could get into see my surgeon and then until now, we have had scheduling conflicts.
I've had so much stress about this decision to remove the band and switch to a different surgery.
I ended up crying in the appointment. I sometimes try not to because I have to go back to work, but this time I couldn't help it.
People keep telling me that I need to be and think positive about this, but it's really hard for me right now.
It's hard not to feel like a "failure".
I told her all about the surgery, the research that I've done, the people I've talked to, etc.
We discussed the fact that I'm even doing this is a positive thing and a brave thing. How there is never a guaruntee in life that anything is going to work and no way to tell until after the fact if ANY decision is the right decision.
I have to remember that the band was the right decision for me at the time that I had my surgery on 11/1/10.
When I weigh my options of the sleeve vs. the bypass, I'm still more comfortable with the concept of the sleeve. I just personally like the "malabsorbtion" part of the bypass as I plan to live (hopefully) another 50+ years, I would prefer to continue to digest all of my food.
I am going to discuss it all one more time during my appointment with the surgeon on 12/16. I'm going to ask him if he feels that there is a specific reason to go bypass vs. sleeve (or vice versa).
A lot of people ask me why I think that surgery will help if I can't make the change already on my own.
The answer, at least to me, is I need something to force the change temporarily. I know that surgery is not going to automatically permanently change my eating habits, but for a while, I will have no choice.
During that time, I plan to continue working on why food is so important to me and why I feel the need to eat so much of it. Work on how I can make the choice not to eat all of the time and spend my time doing other things.
If I don't do something to help force the change, then I don't know if things will ever change.
I will continue going to therapy and working on these issues. I wish I could just decide to stop eating and lose weight that way. It would be great.
I walked out feeling a little better about things and will continue to work towards getting healthier.