So I am back at work now and back to my life and trying to keep the zen I had at the Kripalu Center. I am working on back filling everything that I wrote down while there for the weekend.
I do want to document the whole experience here, but also I think retyping it helps reinforce everything that I wrote down and helps me to remember what I want to do and the questions that I have.
So everything was easier at Kripalu. Last night I was laying in bed, alone, not hungry around 10 PM watching True Blood and all I wanted to do was eat. I felt "itchy", agitated. I kept having to say to myself, "you are not hungry, you do not need to eat". Why did I even want to eat? I was tired, but I wasn't bored. I think I'm just used to having something to do with my hands while watching tv (or a movie) and that thing is usually eating.
I didn't give into though and kept repeating to myself that I am not hungry and did not need to eat.
On the way home from Kripalu, N and I stopped at the Wrenthem outlets so I didn't get home until almost 9 PM. I did not have time to food shop. I actually haven't even really looked in my refridgerator to see what food we do have so today I'm winging it.
I didn't feel hungry for breakfast, so I didn't eat anything. I did have some coffee though when I went down to teach my part of new employee orientation.
I didn't feel hungry when I got back so I just kept working.
I posted to Geneen Roth on FB about breakfast eating and her thoughts. I was always taught not to skip meals and that my body needs something in the morning and that is good for my metabolism. Eating when I'm not hungry though conflicts with the very first eating guideline though.
I got some tea when I felt thirsty.
I didn't get hungry until about 1:30 PM. I went across the street to the pizza place and got a greek salad with steak tips on top. I came back to my desk and decided that I was going to shut off the monitor and eat without distractions.
It was really hard. I actually still feel a bit agitated from the whole experience. The whole time things kept popping into my head about emails to send and phone calls to make and I had to resist them all.
The whole thing took about 15 minutes and it was agony at times. I really hope it gets easier. I'm still so tense.
I planned to eat about 1/2 the salad and steak tips and see how I felt afterwards. I am still having trouble figuring out in the immediate if I am full or not. Now I feel full and satisfied, but a 1/2 hour ago I was sitting there wondering if I should have another bite. I decided that it would be better to put the salad away and eat more later if I got hungry again then to continue eating. That was definitely something new.
Geneen kept saying that change does not happen through force, but if I don't force myself to follow the eating guidelines about eating without distraction, then I will never change. I don't see myself ever wanting to eat without distraction.
Either way, it's a step in the right direction.