Notes, Thoughts, Quotes, etc. from Saturday morning session with Geneen Roth, 8:30 AM – 11:45 AM

Notice in this moment that there is nothing wrong.   Anything you think is wrong, you are carrying from the past.

It's amazing how afraid I was to go to yoga class in the morning because of food.  What if I missed breakfast?  What if I didn't have time to eat before the sessions?  I am glad I went and didn't let the anxiety about food get to me.

The silent breakfast really helped me to taste the food and realize what I truly liked the taste of and what I could do without.  I had taken some grains that I didn't end up liking.  Normally I would eat it because it was on the plate, but I left it today because I was cognizant that I didn't like the taste.

What role is food playing in my life?

It you eat when you are not hungry, then it's not about food.

What is this life about and how is my relationship with food getting in the way?

1.  Diets don't work

– Restriction leads to binging
– Basic message of a diet is that if you trust yourself, you will eat the universe
– Diets tell you that you can't trust yourself

2.  We don't change by following the rules, guilt, shame, punishment, deprivation, force, etc.

– The only thing that ever works is kindness, recognition, welcoming of feelings, etc.

I feel like it's not ok to be myself.

Even thought I am big, I am not letting myself be big inside.

3.  Don't underestimate the inclination to bolt.

– Eating is a way of bolting
– Eating is a way of turning the channel in your mind when you don't like what is going on in your life, in your heart
– We are saying "get me out of here" when we are eating mindlessly

4.  It's not about the weight, but it's not not about the weight

– If I don't address the reason the food is there…

Most of the time, I am at war with myself.

It's never about "out there"

If I only had _________, then I would be happy.

When I get it, I will still be me.

The only thing that will change me insides is my insides.

We all have brokeness inside of us and most of us are scared of those parts.  Don't want to feel those parts.

I don't have a kind relationship with myself.

I internalize the past hurts and turn that into the way I speak to myself.

5.  Learn how to be broken and whole at the same time

– Everyone feels pain
– Everyone has stuff

"Anyone who has their shit together is standing in it"

We/I idealize other people.

If I don't learn from it, why go through it?

If I am going to hide from it, then what is the value?

Inquiry process = working with feelings without being swept away from them.

Nobody ever died from feeling their feelings.

I stopped wanting to be around people and wanted my alone time because then I could eat, sneak, binge, etc.

When I don't want my husband around, is it because he will see me?  Because I won't be able to be with my friend, food, whenever I want?

Sometimes I want my husband to go away so I can binge without being judged by him.

I am pushing him away so I can have food.

Until I was 10 and my weight was an issue, I never knew there was anything wrong with me.

I am so happy that I exist.
– not theorectical
– not in your mind
– touching that unloveable part of yourself that doesn't think she can be loved and cherishing it

Can I love that which I think is unloveable?

I can't get this from others, I can only get it from myself.

Why do I feel dreprived?

I need to eat a certain way to take care of myself, but I don't want to take are of me?

What am I deprived of?

Geneen's staff just brought out mini cups of food.  Not sure what is in them.  I am a bit curious, but I am actually still full from breakfast.  I had already decided not to eat lunch right away.  I don't think I will eat what she is giving out.

There are two raisins, a hershey's kiss and a broken tortilla chip in the cut.  I had a gut feeling there would be some form of chocolate in there.

I keep turning around the cup, unsure of what to do with it.

We are told to take out one of the raisins and smell it.

We often eat something because of our association and memory of that food.

She has us rub the raisin on our lips with our eyes closed, feeling the texture.  Put the raisin in our mouth, but not chew it.  Feel the sensation of the raisin in my mouth.   Finally biting down and realizing that I can't taste a raisin if I don't chew it.

When you spend time and attention on something it's a form of love.

Now for the chip.

Looking at the chip makes my mouth water.

The chip is just a middleman for dips.

We go through the same process with the chip.  Closing our eyes.  Smelling the chip.  Feeling the chip.  Sucking on the chip and then finally chewing it.

It's interesting to pay attention to things that we normally don't pay attention to.

Compulsive eating is an attempt to not pay attention.  It's a lack of awareness.

Hershey's kiss time!

Smell the kiss.  What do I associate with it?  I like the smell.

Put in in my mouth and don't chew.  Close my eyes.

I didn't even need to chew it.  When sucking on it, feeling it in my mouth, it felt and tasted good.  It melted away in my mouth, against the top, against each cheek, against my tongue, leaving residue that allowed for additional taste.  It tasted amazing.

Sucking on the chocolate and letting is melt in my mouth without chewing felt amazing.  It felt good and I felt happy eating it.

Trying to decide if I want more chocolate now.  I'm feeling a little agitated and only having one feels wrong.

I am reminded that one piece of chocolate eaten slowing tastes a lot different than shoveling piece by piece in my mouth, barely chewing.

It's time for the morning to session to end.  We are asked:

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being starving, 10 being full, where are we?  I am currently at a 5.  I am not hungry.

What do I want to eat?

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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