Today sucked. I had my feelings badly hurt. I cried. I cried at work, because that is where it happened. I bitched and moaned about my hurt to anyone who would listen. I was angry and embarrassed, but overall just hurt. I felt the need to talk about it over and over again, because I couldn’t get over it at first. I wrote about it and then talked about it some more. It’s how I work.
I called all of my friends. I called my husband (who is currently away) and my sister. I talked to my mother about it at length, who I didn’t need to call because she was driving me home after dropping off my car at the dealership. I posted something a little passive aggressive on facebook, because of course I wanted everyone to say, "Oh poor Nancy".
All through this, I was so afraid I was going to binge. I even talked openly with my mother about how I was afraid of eating. Even now, I’m afraid to eat something, because once that floodgate opens, will I be able to stop?
I made my son his dinner, gave him a bath and focused on him for a while. The second he was in bed, I picked up my Kindle and started reading more of Women, Food and God. It had been a few weeks since I had read anything from that book. I think I had been avoiding it for a few weeks because I have not exactly been eating mindfully.
It was a good time to come back to the book. It was time to come back and remind myself that I am the only one who has a choice in all of this. I can choose to stay numb, eat my feelings and stay fat or I can choose to eat a healthy dinner, give my body what it needs and move on.
Even though it sucked to cry at work, it was good to feel my emotions. It was good to let them out. I no longer feel teary. I’m still not in the greatest mood and I had to convince myself not to order pizza or chinese food, but It’s 8:30 at night and I’m in my pajamas and I have not ordered anything.
Ordering something at this point would force me to get dressed to accept delivery and I just don’t feel like doing that either.
I am still a little numb right now from the experience, but at least I don’t feel like eating anymore. I’m actually feeling a little apathetic when it comes to food. Nothing seems appetizing right now to me. I am starting to get hungry though since I haven’t eaten since lunch so I am going to need to eat something.
I think I’ll have a yogurt and some cherries and then just go to bed.