Today I had a really hard, emotional day

Today sucked.  I had my feelings badly hurt.  I cried.  I cried at work, because that is where it happened.  I bitched and moaned about my hurt to anyone who would listen.  I was angry and embarrassed, but overall just hurt.  I felt the need to talk about it over and over again, because I couldn’t get over it at first.  I wrote about it and then talked about it some more.  It’s how I work.

I called all of my friends.  I called my husband (who is currently away) and my sister.  I talked to my mother about it at length, who I didn’t need to call because she was driving me home after dropping off my car at the dealership.  I posted something a little passive aggressive on facebook, because of course I wanted everyone to say, "Oh poor Nancy".

All through this, I was so afraid I was going to binge.  I even talked openly with my mother about how I was afraid of eating.  Even now, I’m afraid to eat something, because once that floodgate opens, will I be able to stop?

I made my son his dinner, gave him a bath and focused on him for a while.  The second he was in bed, I picked up my Kindle and started reading more of Women, Food and God.  It had been a few weeks since I had read anything from that book.  I think I had been avoiding it for a few weeks because I have not exactly been eating mindfully.

 It was a good time to come back to the book.  It was time to come back and remind myself that I am the only one who has a choice in all of this.  I can choose to stay numb, eat my feelings and stay fat or I can choose to eat a healthy dinner, give my body what it needs and move on.

Even though it sucked to cry at work, it was good to feel my emotions.  It was good to let them out.  I no longer feel teary.  I’m still not in the greatest mood and I had to convince myself not to order pizza or chinese food, but It’s 8:30 at night and I’m in my pajamas and I have not ordered anything.

Ordering something at this point would force me to get dressed to accept delivery and I just don’t feel like doing that either.

I am still a little numb right now from the experience, but at least I don’t feel like eating anymore.  I’m actually feeling a little apathetic when it comes to food.  Nothing seems appetizing right now to me.  I am starting to get hungry though since I haven’t eaten since lunch so I am going to need to eat something.

I think I’ll have a yogurt and some cherries and then just go to bed.

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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4 Responses to Today I had a really hard, emotional day

  1. lappymeal says:

    I’m so sorry that today went so poorly, but I am very proud of you for not giving in and ordering out. It is so hard to fight the emotional eating, and tonight you really triumphed. Good job!
    It will improve tomorrow, I’m sure. At the very least, you can be really proud of yourself for the good decisions you made today.

  2. alicroc says:

    Good for you. I don’t have emotional eating problems so its kind of fascinating to me that someone could hurt and struggle so much against something like that. I guess it’s truly fighting addiction. I’d have to say that my crutch is just bad body image and battling my own self esteem…and my crutch is to just hate myself…which is good for no one. Not for me or my kids or my family.
    As the weight comes off..and as you start to feel and see your successes I think it gets easier.
    You are inspiring….keep fighting! It gets better, it gets easier. Success will breed more success.
    I thought I’d be fat forever too….and with effort, struggle, and making good choices…i’ve learned it’s just not going to be true for me. It’s going to take time…but it took time to gain the weight over a lifetime too. It won’t drop off overnight…it’s taken my 3 years to get in fighting distance of the 100s….I’m less then 20 lbs away from it…and as the lbs come VERY SLOWLY off…I’m heartened and hopefull that I’ll see 199 on that scale…and I’ll never turn back…and I’ll maintain for the rest of my life.
    IT’s SO exciting!
    Best of luck!

  3. daa_zle says:

    You fought off the urge to binge and that is a good thing!
    As you said, it felt good to feel emotions, instead of crushing them with food.
    I don’t like it when I get so emotional at work either. It seems so unprofessional, but it does happen at times.
    Good for you not consoling yourself with food, you reaching out to everyone was a needed avenue for your frustration.

  4. nwhiker says:

    Good. For. You.
    You did everything right, from what I can tell, and you came out ahead. Just way to go.
    As for the incident at work…. there was a study that I wish I could find that talked about how human beings experience rejection as physical pain, reacting to it as if we were hurt in body, not just in mind. The reasoning is that back when, being rejected by the group could mean death, because you don’t do too well against saber tooth tigers on your own, or whatever. What you had to deal with was some pretty major sh-t dished out by someone who is mean and petty and not worth a second thought, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Good for you for acknowledging what was happening, for dealing with it, and for not firing off a SCATHING email.

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