Now that I’ve tracked for 7 whole days in a row

I so want to feel confident and like I have my mojo back, but whenever I want to feel, all I am feeling is fear.

Fear that I am going to gain.

Fear that I am going to overeat.

Fear that when I go out with the girls on Saturday night, I will not have control.

Fear that I’m not going to be perfect.

Fear that I can’t do this.

Fear that I will always be fat.

Fear that even if I figure out where we are going and plan ahead, I’m going to say F it and eat everything in site.

Fear that if I keep letting myself feel this way, I’m going to break apart.

Fear that I’m going to fail.

Fear that it’s impossible to succeed.

Fear that I just can’t do this.

I have been doing it though.   I don’t have to be perfect.  Last night I ate a ton of graham crackers and cream cheese after dinner, but I tracked it and moved on and felt find about it.

Eating healthy and mindfully is really easy for me during the work week.  I’m so busy at my desk that half the time it’s time to go and I’m thinking, where did the day go?

The sad thing about my fear when it comes to the girls night, is the people I’m spending time with, I met them all through weight watchers.  They are all people who either have 100+ to lose or have lost that amount already.  You would think that would encourage me to eat healthier right?  Well when we are together, nobody is the food police (which is a really good thing) and nobody judges.

Why can’t I just focus on having fun and not on the food? 

Why can’t I stop beating myself up about focusing on the food?

The scale this morning said 272.  1 pound away from my 50.  1 measily little pound away and I still feel like I’m going to F it up and never get there.  And even if I do, it’s not like I’ll stay there, right? 

The most weight I have ever lost at one time is 48lbs and that is where I am now.  I can’t even imagine losing more.  I can’t imagine being in the 260’s again, because it’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve been there.

I can’t imagine losing 60lbs, 75lbs, etc.

Why is this so scary to me, the more I write, the more I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to continue writing so I can figure out what this is all about.  I feel as though I’m going to have a panic attack over this.

I have to remember though to not get ahead of myself and take one day at a time.  Getting ahead of myself is one of the reasons I self sabotage.  So for now I’m going to stop writing and focus on today becoming the 8th day in a row that I have tracked my food.

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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2 Responses to Now that I’ve tracked for 7 whole days in a row

  1. daa_zle says:

    Try to remember not to get too ahead of yourself! I know it’s hard. Try to concentrate on all you have done and what you have gained (in experience, self empowerment and wisdom!) so far!
    Fear.. it takes hold of us with such a grip. But, we need to let go.
    I have these hanging on my mirror, and see it every morning and remind myself every day “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
    Another one is by Anais Nin:And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
    Maybe you could find a motto or phrase that inspires and reminds you.
    You’ve tracked 7 days in a row…. try to go out with the girls and have fun and not focus on food. Sometimes we think when we go out it’s a treat, so why not have something you can indulge in…
    Look over the menu, and be strong, it’s only a few minutes until you order! Then once the order is taken, you are all set!
    An issue I have when I go out, is to not eat enough, I am so afraid of getting sick when I am out.
    The bad part about that is, when I go home, I eat some of the leftovers.
    Be gentle but firm with yourself, No one is perfect, you just have to make good choices 90% of the time!!

  2. nwhiker says:

    Can you set yourself a timer when you go out? Want something? Have to wait 30 minutes on the cell and the decide? I know that works for me at potlucks (those are the HARDEST because everyone brings their best dish!). I have two on Saturday. Gah!
    The good thing about WW buds is that (hopefully) if you are clear up front that you need to be careful, they won’t be food pushers? Right?
    Seriously, you have a… clarity with yourself and insight into yourself that will keep you going. You’re at a milestone, and that makes it harder, I think, so yeah.
    Anyhow, best thoughts. You’ve done such a good job of correcting your course post ‘difficult’ time!

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