I so want to feel confident and like I have my mojo back, but whenever I want to feel, all I am feeling is fear.
Fear that I am going to gain.
Fear that I am going to overeat.
Fear that when I go out with the girls on Saturday night, I will not have control.
Fear that I’m not going to be perfect.
Fear that I can’t do this.
Fear that I will always be fat.
Fear that even if I figure out where we are going and plan ahead, I’m going to say F it and eat everything in site.
Fear that if I keep letting myself feel this way, I’m going to break apart.
Fear that I’m going to fail.
Fear that it’s impossible to succeed.
Fear that I just can’t do this.
I have been doing it though. I don’t have to be perfect. Last night I ate a ton of graham crackers and cream cheese after dinner, but I tracked it and moved on and felt find about it.
Eating healthy and mindfully is really easy for me during the work week. I’m so busy at my desk that half the time it’s time to go and I’m thinking, where did the day go?
The sad thing about my fear when it comes to the girls night, is the people I’m spending time with, I met them all through weight watchers. They are all people who either have 100+ to lose or have lost that amount already. You would think that would encourage me to eat healthier right? Well when we are together, nobody is the food police (which is a really good thing) and nobody judges.
Why can’t I just focus on having fun and not on the food?
Why can’t I stop beating myself up about focusing on the food?
The scale this morning said 272. 1 pound away from my 50. 1 measily little pound away and I still feel like I’m going to F it up and never get there. And even if I do, it’s not like I’ll stay there, right?
The most weight I have ever lost at one time is 48lbs and that is where I am now. I can’t even imagine losing more. I can’t imagine being in the 260’s again, because it’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve been there.
I can’t imagine losing 60lbs, 75lbs, etc.
Why is this so scary to me, the more I write, the more I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to continue writing so I can figure out what this is all about. I feel as though I’m going to have a panic attack over this.
I have to remember though to not get ahead of myself and take one day at a time. Getting ahead of myself is one of the reasons I self sabotage. So for now I’m going to stop writing and focus on today becoming the 8th day in a row that I have tracked my food.