When Dr. B walked into the room, he told me that he had read my blog, so I’m thinking that is great and it will be so easy to get a fill. Then he bursts my bubble and tells me that he isn’t sure if a fill is the right way to go. That the band isn’t the problem.
In some ways I get that. The band has never been the problem and it will never be the solution. The only solution to my problem is for me to permanently change my eating habits. My rational mind does know this.
I’m just so upset at myself and feel like a failure.
If you are reading this Dr. B, it’s not you that made me feel this way.
I’m just so frustrated with myself.
I know what to do, why can’t I just do it?
I know that I am not losing and often gaining because of the food choices that I am making, not because the band is not working. Actually the band has to be working because otherwise I probably would be eating much more and gaining back all of the weight that I lost.
We talked about what is going on and I couldn’t really verbalize it. When I thought about it on the ride home, the only thing that I could come up with is I’ve been lazy.
I’ve been doing what is easy.
I’ve been eating out too much and not cooking my own meals.
I haven’t been planning and food shopping.
I haven’t been packing my lunch every day.
I haven’t been tracking.
I’ve been letting life get in the way. Instead of focusing on my own needs, I went back into my own habits of putting myself last. That needs to stop.
I did get a fill today, but a fill won’t change my behavior. I have to change my behavior.
I have to track.
I have to plan.
I have to cook.
I have to pack my lunch.
I have to eat home cooked meals.
When eating out, I have to make healthy choices.
Ok, so enough self pity and loathing. I know what I need to do.
I’m on liquids for the next two days and then mushy food for two more days thanks to the fill. I need to take this as an opportunity to get back into a better mindset.