I walked out of my surgeon’s office wanting to cry…

When Dr. B walked into the room, he told me that he had read my blog, so I’m thinking that is great and it will be so easy to get a fill.  Then he bursts my bubble and tells me that he isn’t sure if a fill is the right way to go.  That the band isn’t the problem.

In some ways I get that.  The band has never been the problem and it will never be the solution.  The only solution to my problem is for me to permanently change my eating habits.  My rational mind does know this.

I’m just so upset at myself and feel like a failure.

If you are reading this Dr. B, it’s not you that made me feel this way.

I’m just so frustrated with myself.

I know what to do, why can’t I just do it?

I know that I am not losing and often gaining because of the food choices that I am making, not because the band is not working.  Actually the band has to be working because otherwise I probably would be eating much more and gaining back all of the weight that I lost.

We talked about what is going on and I couldn’t really verbalize it.  When I thought about it on the ride home, the only thing that I could come up with is I’ve been lazy.  

I’ve been doing what is easy.  
I’ve been eating out too much and not cooking my own meals.  
I haven’t been planning and food shopping.  
I haven’t been packing my lunch every day.
I haven’t been tracking.

I’ve been letting life get in the way.  Instead of focusing on my own needs, I went back into my own habits of putting myself last.  That needs to stop.

I did get a fill today, but a fill won’t change my behavior.  I have to change my behavior.

I have to track.
I have to plan.
I have to cook.
I have to pack my lunch.
I have to eat home cooked meals.
When eating out, I have to make healthy choices.

Ok, so enough self pity and loathing.  I know what I need to do.

I’m on liquids for the next two days and then mushy food for two more days thanks to the fill.  I need to take this as an opportunity to get back into a better mindset.

 

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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2 Responses to I walked out of my surgeon’s office wanting to cry…

  1. I believe a fill is something that you need to decide on for yourself. It sounds like you came to that conclusion. Didn’t you mention once that you were going to weight watchers?
    Are you putting your detailed personal thoughts out there on a public blog? If so, you need to filter and just express your personal stuff here. just my .02 cents. (then again, I’ve VERY private, it’s just me)

    • nancykerins says:

      I am putting my detailed personal thoughts out there on this very public blog. At first I put boundaries up and make it so there was no information out there identifying me back to me. I did that because this is linked on my hospital website. It makes me feel good that someone could possibly be feeling the same way and could possibly be helped by reading this.
      When the article came out, it was hard because it put my true identity out there.
      My surgeon was one of the few people who new this blog was me though even before the article. In some ways I’m really glad he reads it because he does get to see my ups and downs. The downside though is I don’t always write EVERYTHING in here and it’s not always the full picture of what is going on.
      I agree that I am the only one that can determine when I need a fill. Dr. B does want to make sure that he is doing the right thing though, so I respect when he questions things.
      Thank you for all of your support. I’m so glad to have people like you reading this who have been through it and totally get what is going on.

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