Getting to that point in my journey, where I usually F it up

I’ve never made it to 50lbs lost before.

The most success I’ve ever had at weight loss is making it to 48lbs lost.

Right now I’m 8lbs away from making it to 50lbs gone.

Even though I’ve lost 42 already, the thought of losing 50 is just inconceivable to me!  Why is that?

Why is success when it comes to weight loss, so scary to me?  Why can’t I picture it happening?

Everytime when I start out, I think that this time is going to be different.  Well this time for once IS different because I had lapband surgery.

For some reason though, the surgery doesn’t even feel real to me!

Why am I so scared?  What is scary about being healthy?  I’ll still be me, right?

Why does the thought of losing weight and being healthy make me want to hyperventilate and cry?

Why do these thoughts always come to me when I am in a place (like work) where I can’t explore them too deeply?

It’s a good thing that I go to therapy once a week.

I am so afraid of failing at this.  Of going through all of the work of the surgery and having it not work for me.  Can it be that since I’ve only known failure when it comes to weight loss, that I just don’t know how to succeed?

I knew going into the surgery, that the surgery is just a tool.  I knew that it wouldn’t fix any of the head issues, just help me not eat as much.

It’s just amazing how with every pound that I lose, how much more happy and scared I get!

I know I’m not going to find the answers overnight.  I’m just writing as the questions pop into my head.  Hopefully by writing this out and sharing this, it will help in the long run.  The purpose of me starting this journal was to document how I was feeling along the way so I can look back on these posts someday and remember.

I wonder how I will feel 100lbs down looking back at this post.  Will I still be so scared and freaked out?  And even though I just wrote it, will that time come?  Will I make it to 100lbs down? (here we go again!)

I guess I’ll just have to keep writing until I find out.

About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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2 Responses to Getting to that point in my journey, where I usually F it up

  1. lappymeal says:

    Writing helps me sort out my feelings too. Just putting it out there to the universe is very soothing.
    Clearly we all still have head issues. I think it is so great that you have therapy. It will only get easier from here on out.
    And congrats at almost 50! You are doing so great.

  2. daa_zle says:

    I feel like I could have written that post!
    Once, many many years ago, I lost 98 pounds! I was looking forward to hitting the 100 mark, but never did!
    14 years ago, I was at my lowest weight and was feeling healthy and strong. I also was a workout fanatic and worked out 2-3 hours a day 6 – 7 days a week!
    Life was different then, I was a single mother of a 7 year old, I worked 3rd shift, so when I got out of work I would go to the gym and work out…for 2 3- hours! I would go home and nap, and get my daughter at school.
    Working 3rd shift leaves a lot of time for other things, but you do suffer from fatigue!
    I felt great after losing the 98 pounds, I didn’t feel insecure.
    Now, I feel insecure with every loss.
    I often wonder why I am afraid of success…
    I am at a crossing point in my life, I need to do some serious soul searching and allow myself the right to feel successful.
    You are right in the fact that this time IS different. We put our bodies and minds through surgery! It was a decision not taken lightly. All the pre-surgery tests and appointments we had, and to commit to 5 years follow up afterward!
    That has GOT to mean something??? This TIME HAS to be different and maybe we are now ready to conquer our fears and insecurities once and for all…

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