I’ve never made it to 50lbs lost before.
The most success I’ve ever had at weight loss is making it to 48lbs lost.
Right now I’m 8lbs away from making it to 50lbs gone.
Even though I’ve lost 42 already, the thought of losing 50 is just inconceivable to me! Why is that?
Why is success when it comes to weight loss, so scary to me? Why can’t I picture it happening?
Everytime when I start out, I think that this time is going to be different. Well this time for once IS different because I had lapband surgery.
For some reason though, the surgery doesn’t even feel real to me!
Why am I so scared? What is scary about being healthy? I’ll still be me, right?
Why does the thought of losing weight and being healthy make me want to hyperventilate and cry?
Why do these thoughts always come to me when I am in a place (like work) where I can’t explore them too deeply?
It’s a good thing that I go to therapy once a week.
I am so afraid of failing at this. Of going through all of the work of the surgery and having it not work for me. Can it be that since I’ve only known failure when it comes to weight loss, that I just don’t know how to succeed?
I knew going into the surgery, that the surgery is just a tool. I knew that it wouldn’t fix any of the head issues, just help me not eat as much.
It’s just amazing how with every pound that I lose, how much more happy and scared I get!
I know I’m not going to find the answers overnight. I’m just writing as the questions pop into my head. Hopefully by writing this out and sharing this, it will help in the long run. The purpose of me starting this journal was to document how I was feeling along the way so I can look back on these posts someday and remember.
I wonder how I will feel 100lbs down looking back at this post. Will I still be so scared and freaked out? And even though I just wrote it, will that time come? Will I make it to 100lbs down? (here we go again!)
I guess I’ll just have to keep writing until I find out.