Surgery actually left my mind for a moment…

This weekend was so busy, that for the first time since I decided to have surgery, it left my mind.

I did get in a huge fight with a friend and that helped since I was so focused on that. I was really hurt and it sucked. She did apologize and we did make up.

I also had my neice and nephew for a sleepover on Friday night and spent all day with them on Saturday.

It’s amazing how little I eat and think about eating when I’m busy. It seems to be on my mind so much and the surgery has joined it since I’m nervous and excited about the possibility of something actually controlling my eating.

Amazingly, I told my friend that I fought and made up with that I was considering the surgery. She was one of the people that I didn’t want to know the most since I thought she would be judgemental about it. A while back she told me that she thought that I couldn’t lose weight without the surgery and I just didn’t want her to be right. In some ways it’s good that she knows, because I was embarrassed to tell her.

The surgery embarrasses me a little bit.

I’m embarrassed because I’m so overweight that I quality for the surgery.

I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t get enough control of myself to lose the weight without the surgery.

There is a part of me that hates that when people ask me how I lost the weight, that surgery will be the answer. I can’t stand that I couldn’t just stop eating. I hate that.

I wish it was that easy though. My friend actually admitted that she was envious of me having the surgery. She is overweight, but not overweight enough to have the surgery. She knows that I would love to be her size right now, but I understand that it’s still hard for her to be her size. If I had never been this size, I would probably not like myself at her size either. Her size is still over 100lbs less than mine though.

Right now I think I’ll be happy just to be under 300lbs again.

I have appointments set up with my surgeon on 7/16/10 and Heart and Wellness on 8/18/10. It kinda sucks that this process takes so long.

I wish I could just get it over with before I have a chance to back out.

I’m still really scared. I freak out when I think of all that I will need to give up. No more sparkling water? No more caffeine?

The thought of getting "stuck" freaks me out.

The whole idea of fills and unfills and that there will be a port under my skin freaks me out.

The fact that I won’t be able to eat how much I want whenever I want freaks out me out.

The last is the most important one as it’s the one that makes me want to have the surgery.

If it was just as easy as eating right and not eating as much, I wouldn’t need the surgery. The surgery is a tool

I’m on the phone as I type this trying to get the appointment for the psychological testing required for the surgery.

I’m glad I called them back. I called last week and left my information and this woman didn’t have me on her list.

She just gave me that appointment so I have my psychological appointment set for 8/17.

Weird. I might actually have all of my requirements done by the end of August.

I’ve been hoping for a surgery date sometime in the early Fall. I know post surgery the holidays are going to be hard, but I think if I can get through that first 6 weeks recovery and building up to solids before Thanksgiving, it will be a lot easier. At least by then if I can eat a small portion of the food, it will be helpful.

I’m also hoping to go to Colorado for Chanukah in December. I think it would be good to have a lot of this under my belt before then too.

I also need to make sure that I can save up enough vacation/sick time for the surgery. I should only need 5 days, but I should have some buffer time just in case.

There is just so much to think of.

It’s amazing how much of my life revolves around food.

Sometimes it’s not even about actually eating the food. I wouldn’t want to have the surgery before Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur because I wouldn’t want to have to explain why I’m not eating any regular food.

Even though I know my eating will be restricted, I would just prefer if the surgery is just not done too close to a major holiday that involves extended family. If I was on a liquid diet for Thansgiving, that would be ok since it’s only my immediate family who attends.

Christmas would be hard on a liquid diet since I’m not only with my inlaws, but I’m also living at someone else’s house for a few days.

I’ll just cross my fingers for a surgery date in early October.

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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