Where do I start?

I decided to start this blog mostly for me. Right now I’m keeping it private, but I may allow others to read it at some point along the way.

I have been overweight since I was 10 years old. It started out as only 5 – 10 lbs that my doctor pushed my mother to worry about and it has turned into 150+ lbs overweight at age 35.

Over the years, I have tried every diet known to man (weight watchers, south beach, nutrisystem, etc.). They all work. It’s not the diet, it’s me.

I have been in therapy for many years trying to work out the head issues that have been keeping me from losing weight.

I’m scared and excited at the same time.

Today is the mandatory orientation session that you have to attend if you are thinking about the WLS program at NSMC.

I have chosen to possibly have the sugery here at NSMC because I know the program and I respect the program. I have a lot of resources since I work here and have already talked to people in my department about surgeon choice.

I’m looking forward to going, but I have to admit that I am exhausted still from my conference last week.

The fact that I registered for this and am going gives me a little bit of hope.

I find it hard to imagine myself thin. I can’t remember the last time I bought clothes off the rack in a "regular" store. I can’t even remember the last time I bought clothes off the rack in a "women’s" store. I buy my clothes and shoes online now so I don’t have to go through the hassle of trying things on in the store.

I would love to walk into The Gap or Macy’s, see something cute and be able to try it on and buy it.

I think I am ready for this sugery because I know it’s still going to be hard. I know the surgery is not a quick fix and I am still going to have to learn to change.

The changes in my lifestyle are actually what terrifies me the most. I’m scared of having to change my eating habits. I’m scared that I won’t be able to binge. I’m scared that I won’t be able to eat whatever I want in whatever amounts.

These fears to me are the best reasons to have the surgery. I have not been successful in controlling my eating in the past for more than a couple of months. I am hoping that this surgery will be the tool that I need to force the change and start me on my path to getting healthier.

It’s like this constant tug of war in my mind when it comes to food.

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About nancykerins

I am a 38 year full time working mother of one doing my best to get healthy. I had lapband surgery in November of 2010 and then had a revision to the vertical gastric sleeve in February 2012. The purpose of this blog is a therapeutic tool for me to work out my feelings and write about what is going on during this experience. If I can help others through this blog, that is just a bonus.
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